Recently, one of my students asked me: Sir, how can we clearly say NO without hurting the feelings of another person?

I responded to her through my own understanding and thinking. Yet, it left me pondering about it and prompted me to write this small piece for the benefit of others.

Many years ago, I came across a line in a magazine I used to subscribe. Saved among the archives of images on my phone, it reads: “NO and YES are two short words which need a long thought before expression. Most of the things are missed because of saying NO too early and YES too late.”

It is even otherwise true.  An individual need not say YES too early or NO too late.  When one says YES quickly and realises later that they should have said NO, one feels uncomfortable. This may affect their confidence and influence their ability to understand issues.  It also disturbs one’s sense of judgement of conditions, individuals, and events. To have clarity therefore, one should think patiently before saying YES or NO.

Based on my interactions with colleagues and students, I have observed that where we are chasing opportunities, exploring different avenues, expanding our capacities, and preparing for risk cover, we find it extremely difficult to say NO. This is happening more these days since we are living in a time of perceptible stark competition.

Bill Cosby once said: I do not know how to succeed, but I know how to fail, and that is trying to please everybody.  This is visible among individuals at different levels based on their age and position.

We want to do everything and please everybody, but later realise our mistake when it is too late. It is important to know what one can do and what one can not do.  Similarly, it is also a matter of significance that one prioritises who is important to them.  We need to believe that we cannot please everybody.

Saying NO or YES without thinking carries a burden of being under mental pressure that may lead to bodily dysfunction.  There are things and issues that are apparent and there are matters that require cognitive interplay and clarity in communicating YES or NO.

Mental processes are determined by past experiences, learning, and one’s growing conditions. These experiences are recorded, and relevant data is saved in one’s memory influencing the mental processes. Saying YES or NO is related to the ability, saved data, experiencing self, and memorising self.

This interplay is at times oblivious to the consequences of saying YES or NO resulting in saying NO instead of YES or YES instead of NO.  The YES/NO dilemma entails frustration and regret, guilt, and repentance. It also adds to misunderstanding and disturbance in relationships.

A basic principle of effective decision-making is to take quick decision after long thinking.  Thinking is important, impulsive decisions costs heavier than thoughtful decisions. Though thoughtful decisions may also prove wrong, yet the risk is less.

Usually, it is observed that a shopkeeper demonstrates positive attitude towards the customers avoiding any argument, following a belief that the customer is always right.  However, one can disagree with a customer by being positive.  And that is the key.  Tone and tenor of the language; depth and density of the relationship; and time and context of the conversation, determines the condition that direct YES/NO response. One’s maturity and ability to assess short-term and long-term implications should guide YES/NO response.

The art of dealing with this dilemma displays one’s maturity in interacting with other individual and stand with one’s belief.

How can one say NO effectively without hurting the sentiments of the other and how can one say YES without being carried away with a sense of pleasing another person, is the art of conversation that makes one win over other.

One cannot afford to outsource thinking.  One needs to have patience and a sense of perseverance in responding to another person.  Quick response of YES may cost much heavier or an unwary response of NO might take away the opportunity.  Hence set your priorities about individuals and issues, spend some time in smart thinking, and take the call.

And say NO, if you really want to say so.

Also read :

Daniel Kahneman – an obituary

Thank you, sir

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